They don't know
by itsneverokay
Summary: Clary is going through a pretty bad struggle, will anyone ever find out? Ever be able to help?


Falling.

I feel like i'm falling.

It has gotten to the point where things are never going to get better, all that i am waiting for is to hit rock bottom, but i don't know how much worse things could possibly get. Every day i feel it getting worse, this hatred growing inside of me. The black hole that hangs heavy in my chest never gets any lighter, and i don't know how much more i can take.

I haven't told anyone, and i never will.

I go up to my room every night, i lay in bed, i cry myself to sleep and nobody has a clue. They don't know how much of a struggle it is to get out of bed in the morning. They don't know what it's like to put on a brave face everyday. But most of all, they don't know how it feels to hate yourself so much that you want to die.

I hear people talking about it all the time at school. They walk around talking about how 'depressed' they are because they couldn't get tickets to see their favourite band, how 'depressed' they are because the hottest guy in school isn't single anymore.

But the truth is, they really have no idea. They don't know what depression is. They're totally ignorant to what people like me have to go through everyday. In fact, they make it worse. I walk through the school doors in the morning, hoping to God that nobody will notice me. But they do, they always do. As soon as they see me, they're quick to comment on the colour of my hair, or the fact that i 'dress like a boy'. They have no idea of the affect that it has on me. They don't know the way that i look at myself in the mirror, how i repulse myself. I am ugly. I know that. I don't need to be told.

So, when they insult me, you'd think i would retaliate...right? Wrong. I let them walk all over me because i'm far too awkward to even consider defending myself. Everyday, i leave school feeling even worse than i did when i got there. The cycle is never ending.

Today is no different. My alarm goes off and i roll over in my bed, picking my phone up and pressing 'snooze'. After doing so, i practically throw it back on the floor and turn over again, ignoring the light streaming in through my window, ignoring the soft noise of my mum clattering about in the kitchen downstairs and wishing that everything would go just away. After about another 10 minutes, the annoying ring of my alarm sounds again, and as much as i don't want to, i know i have to get up. I roll over slowly and exit my bed, getting ready to face the day ahead of me. I have a shower and dress in my joy division top, some skinny jeans and my converse, before going downstairs to see my mum leaving the house. She smiles at me and shuts the door after her. My mum and i don't talk much anymore. She used to worry about me a lot but she couldn't work out what's wrong with me, so i guess she kinda gave up, eventually.

I leave about half an hour later, and make the journey to another day of hell.

When i arrive, there aren't many people. I try to get in early because there're usually only teachers in at this time, so i can get to form without being harassed. But, today is different. As soon as i walk through the door, i hear loud laughter echoing through the hallway and i freeze. It's like they can sense my arrival, because almost immediately after, most of the school's football team emerges from the changing rooms, and by most, i mean all but one. As soon as they see me, their laughter stops and each and every one of their faces is taken over by a vile smirk. I know that whatever is about to happen isn't going to be good. Suddenly, they all start walking toward me, none of them saying a word. I stand still, in silence, too scared to speak or move. When they're about two meters away from me, all of them stop before Sebastian Verlac emerges from the group. He walks toward me until he is close enough so that i have to look up in order to see his face. But, of course, i don't do that, instead i make a feeble attempt at running past him to escape. And feeble it is. He takes his arm and pushes me back into that wall behind me. The impact knocks the wind out of me and a gasp for air. All of them start to laugh and i can feel my face becoming red. My heart starts to beat abnormally quickly and i can feel the tears prickling at the back of my eyes, but as much as i tell myself not to cry, a tear manages to escape and roll down my cheek.

"Awwwww little Clary Fray is crying" I hear Sebastian say. Which only provokes more laughter from the football team. I desperately want to fight back, to yell at him and tell him what an asshole he is but all that comes out is

"You-"

"What's that?" He says mockingly, holding his hand up to cup his ear.

But i don't reply, i just stare at the ground in defeat.

"I thought so" He says.

Just as more tears threaten to escape my eyes, i hear a door bang shut. Everyone, including Sebastian, turns to face the only other member of the football team, team captain Jace Wayland. I expect him to run toward us and join in with the 'fun', maybe even throw in an insult about my orange hair. But, to my surprise, all he does is look over to us with absolutely no expression on his face and says

"Come on guys, coach wants us there at 8:30" And thankfully, everyone leaves me to walk over to him. However, Sebastian remains in front of me and calls over to Jace

"Give me a minute, i'll catch up with-"

"No, we're all leaving now and so are you" Jace interrupts.

Sebastian lets out a frustrated sigh and leans in extremely close to me, making my body tremble with fear.

"You were lucky this time" he says, so that only i can hear. And, with that, he turns away and leaves, jogging to catch up with the rest of the team.

I wait for them to reach the end of the hall before i collapse on the floor and burst into tears. Just as my legs give out beneath me, Jace looks back and meets my eyes. He has a look on his face that is almost sympathetic, but i rule it out, he's probably just thinking about how pathetic i am. After what feels like a matter of minutes, he looks away again and catches up with his friends, leaving me a mess on the floor, wondering what the hell just happened.

Thanks for reading, please review and i shall update asap.


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